Friday, December 31, 2010

Redneck Rides

Hey hey, citizens of the United Sites of Internet. It’s a fabulous Friday evening, the last one of 2010, and I’m ready to usher in a new era of redneckedness. Speaking of redneckedness, let’s talk about REDNECK RIDES!

It’s true what they say: everything’s bigger in Texas, especially our… vehicles. Your average Texan likes their ride oversized and overheard. Whereas them rich folk of the blue states show off their Lexuses and Priuses, us backwoodsmen know the truth: the Japs are trying to take over the world and we shouldn’t buy their automobiles. We stick to our 100% pure all-American gas-guzzlers. Just as long as that gas that’s guzzled comes from the Muslims and we’re not drilling for black gold in the homeland. Not in my back yard!

So let’s review the standard hickmobile, by type. First and foremost, there’s the classic “Pick Em’ Up Truck”. The “Pick ‘Em Up Truck” is an American-made, Mexican-assembled slice of beefcake. These bad boys consist of four to six larger than life tires, and a body adorned with one or more of the following: bars on the front for road kill, bars on the back windshield that serve no purpose, a sticker with a young man urinating on a foreign deity, and/or a plastic scrotum attached to the towing hitch. Yes, this is a high-class vehicle, for high-class people, like those who work in the service industry. Or, more frequently, butch lesbians and men with small penises. Because everyone knows that women love loud noises and dirt.

And then, there’s the more common staple of the hick household: the “Subcursiongatorladerango”. The “Subcursiongatorladerango”, also known as a full-size SUV, is the IT vehicle for suburban moms to haul their little bastards from school to football practice, powerlifting meets, and bull riding competitons. It seats up to 19, requires a special kind of license, and hauls RVs like nobody’s business. Purchasing a “Subcursiongatorladerango” is a big decision to make, considering it gets 1/8 of the gas mileage of a real car. But, it’s a necessary sacrifice for every family, because they all have more than 8 children. One never knows when they might need two extra rows of seats and a trailer hitch, in case they decide to take a baseball team camping.

Then, there’s one last category of vehicles, called “Chick Cars”. These include, but are not limited to, all vehicles with less than four doors, all vehicles with less than seven seats, vehicles that are not white or silver, and vehicles that were designed in Japan, Korea, or Europe. If you have the misfortune of driving one of these fag wagons, you had better be a woman. Men who drive foreign cars are, of course, weak, lame, and homosexual. Nothing else to it.

So if you’re in Texas and you can afford to put gas in your car, you obviously suck. Buy a truck. And that’s the way we get down…

In A Hick Town.

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