Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Hicktown Survival Guide #1:Politics

Welcome, ladies and gentleman of the blogiverse, to the first installment of Hicktown Survival Guide (DISCLAIMER: This guide will really not prepare you at all for the ridiculousness that is Hicktown. It’s just for fun. So in the event of a wild hillbilly attack, do not defend yourself with this blog post. Don’t sue me.)


Now, if you’re planning to visit a hicktown, or even just making contact with the natives, there are some political ground rules you need to know, because politics are a major source of awkward small talk for most people. And if you aren’t communicating with a hick, they’re just for fun.


Southerners, although they may not seem educated, are usually very passionate about their politics, and there's nothing wrong with that. Their political beliefs are as important to them as their religion, and they will not hesitate to start a battle with someone who doesn’t agree with them. Fortunately, they all seem to agree on one thing:


The Republican Party. These fat white men will stop at nothing to make sure they keep other fat white men in the Oval Office. They’ll fight for their right to keep large amounts of weaponry in the back of their F-150s, and won’t let “big government” take their hard-earned salary to help someone else.


Of course, if everyone here is conservative, what does that make me?


You guessed it, Blogmerica, I’m a liberal. My name’s on the hitlist. I’m a terrorist because I don’t care if gays join the military. I supported... The “O” word 2008.


And I get crap for it. Every day, I hear about how they can’t find Obama’s birth certificate and the horrors of universal health care.


I suppose I get worked up about politics as well. I believe very strongly about social issues. Sue me.


But whatever your political persuasion, be it Republican, Democrat, or Nader (is he still around?), just remember this: if you don’t want to get shot at, play it safe and don’t even mention politics.


And NEVER use the “O” word around a Southerner. And that’s the way we get down...


In A Hick Town.

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