Hicktown Survival Guide #1:Politics

Welcome, ladies and gentleman of the blogiverse, to the first installment of Hicktown Survival Guide (DISCLAIMER: This guide will really not prepare you at all for the ridiculousness that is Hicktown. It’s just for fun. So in the event of a wild hillbilly attack, do not defend yourself with this blog post. Don’t sue me.)

Now, if you’re planning to visit a hicktown, or even just making contact with the natives, there are some political ground rules you need to know, because politics are a major source of awkward small talk for most people. And if you aren’t communicating with a hick, they’re just for fun.

Southerners, although they may not seem educated, are usually very passionate about their politics, and there's nothing wrong with that. Their political beliefs are as important to them as their religion, and they will not hesitate to start a battle with someone who doesn’t agree with them. Fortunately, they all seem to agree on one thing:

The Republican Party. These fat white men will stop at nothing to make sure they keep other fat white men in the Oval Office. They’ll fight for their right to keep large amounts of weaponry in the back of their F-150s, and won’t let “big government” take their hard-earned salary to help someone else.

Of course, if everyone here is conservative, what does that make me?

You guessed it, Blogmerica, I’m a liberal. My name’s on the hitlist. I’m a terrorist because I don’t care if gays join the military. I supported... The “O” word 2008.

And I get crap for it. Every day, I hear about how they can’t find Obama’s birth certificate and the horrors of universal health care.

I suppose I get worked up about politics as well. I believe very strongly about social issues. Sue me.

But whatever your political persuasion, be it Republican, Democrat, or Nader (is he still around?), just remember this: if you don’t want to get shot at, play it safe and don’t even mention politics.

And NEVER use the “O” word around a Southerner. And that’s the way we get down...

In A Hick Town.

Keep Austin Weird

Loyal readers, I'm afraid I've misinformed you, and before I proceed with this blog, I must correct myself. I told you that Texas is a barren wasteland of redneck mania, completely devoid of culture. I said that nearly all its citizens are tasteless hillbillies and they behave absurdly. However, in this proverbial desert, there's a glistening oasis of good taste:

Austin.

The mere thought of this delicious metropolis is orgasmic. Whereas Small Town's population is generally made up of conservative racists, Austinites are more open minded and liberal than any other city in the world. Well, except maybe Amsterdam. But because of its free spirit, this portal to the left wing has earned quite a reputation. The other day, I heard a Small Town citizen say that he didn't like Austin, because it is full of "weird people and homosexuals". God forbid. But Austin embraces its weird culture and lives up to its reputation, adopting the unofficial slogan "Keep Austin Weird".


For us Texans, Austin is just what we need to remind us of life in the rest of the continental United States, and catch us up on our shopping and media. Home to insane music festivals like SXSW and Austin City Limits, as well as places like The Domain for shopping and dining, it's a breath of fresh air even for the traditional Texan.

But for people like me, who refuse to conform to the cornfed madness, Austin is so much more. I love the Austin spirit of creativity and vibrance. It's an escape to the world I've been longing for, and a welcome relief from the constant judgement and hatred harbored by Small Town-ers.

So readers, find a place that you love, and take advantage of it, whether it's a million miles away or right at home. And that's the way we get down...

In A Hick Town.

P.S.- I'm going to New York next week. Woot woot.

Our Slab of the South

Welcome back, readers, to my little slice of the blogosphere. Now that you know some background, let’s take a closer look at my town.

My hicktown has a real name, but for the purposes of this publication, we’ll call it Small Town, TX. It’s situated deep in the heart of Texas, about an hour drive from a glimpse of culture. Made up of about 3,500 conservative old people, it’s what you might call a tiny community. In fact, it’s not even a town; it’s considered a village. A 450-student high school and a chic Sonic make Small Town a happenin’ place.

Here in Small Town, redneck is not a character trait; it’s a way of life. Cars start at about 3 feet from the ground, and emit shameful amounts of pollution into the manure-scented air. People live on huge pieces of land out in the middle of nowhere, and shoot deer from their back porches. There’s a really nice golf course, but that’s only for rich old people and tourists. Average Small Town citizens get their kicks from fishing and using tobacco products. On special occasions, they may go “into town”, which consists of a 20 minute drive to the nearest mid-sized city to go to “the Wal-Mart’s”. A typical evening for my family consists of sitting around the television, watching trashy ABC sitcoms or Lifetime movies. They’re a lively bunch, but don’t worry; you’ll learn all about them soon enough.

People in Small Town may do ridiculous things sometimes, but I have to admit, they are really good at heart. Everyone knows everyone, and genuinely cares about them. Small Town is the buckle of the Bible Belt, and that’s no exaggeration. Going to church is as mandatory as going to school. Most everyone is some form of Baptist, but DON’T get them confused! There are three specific types of Baptist. There’s regular Baptists, Southern Baptists, and Independent Baptists. Southern Baptists tend to be the classic conservative, hillbilly Bible thumpers, and Independent Baptists are usually extremist, “God Hates Fags” groups.

Even though everyone is passionate about their beliefs, that does not mean that everyone always, or ever, follows them. Small Town’s teens are particularly promiscuous, but who can blame us? What else is there to do here? An offense that I find especially appalling, however, is bigotry. Our population is fairly diverse, and many people have still not gotten over their prejudices against other races. Also, being without culture, homophobia is wild, and kids use “gay” like it’s a bad word. Small Town has it’s faults, but everyone is really pretty laid back and caring in the long run.

Even though Small Town, well, sucks, I really enjoy living here. The cornfed craziness is always good for a laugh, and I have great friends to rely on as an escape from the Republicana. And that’s the way we get down...

In OUR Hick Town.

Howdy, Readers

Howdy, readers, and welcome to In A Hick Town, a collection of my musings about small town Texas life. My name is Tanner, and I am NOT a redneck. I’m a sophisticated, intelligent individual. I have a Mac.

Thing is, I live in Texas, the hick capital of the world. Here, people think it’s acceptable to do the most ridiculous things, like shoot animals and wear camouflage to church. For someone like myself, that shops at Gap and doesn’t leave the house without hand sanitizer, it makes me cringe. In the words of Green Day, “maybe I’m a faggot, America; I’m not a part of a redneck agenda.”

You may think I’m a misfit in this little Southern village. And if you do, well, you’re absolutely correct. I don’t understand most of the people here, and they don’t really get me either. It seems impossible that I was born in such a crazy place to such ridiculous people. Small town Texas is no place for the timid or metrosexual. But, I’ve learned to adapt to the cornfed craziness, and it’s taught me a lot about appreciating diversity. And, I've been here long enough to know where to find a little culture. Nonetheless, some of it’s phenomenons will never be fully understood.

So now for the part that you’ve been waiting for: the purpose of this blog. In A Hick Town will consist of my thoughts and opinions, rants, and anecdotes about my experiences in this neck of the woods. I’ll explain Southern phenomenons to outsiders and onlookers, and of course, every month’s installment of Hicktown Survival Guide, so make sure you follow with your Google account. Stay tuned for next month's installment! And that’s the way we get down...

In A Hick Town.

P.S.- In A Hick Town is kept alive by our sponsors, whose ads are plastered about the site. The more often you visit their sites, the more often I can update this one. So, check them out!

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