Our Slab of the South

Welcome back, readers, to my little slice of the blogosphere. Now that you know some background, let’s take a closer look at my town.

My hicktown has a real name, but for the purposes of this publication, we’ll call it Small Town, TX. It’s situated deep in the heart of Texas, about an hour drive from a glimpse of culture. Made up of about 3,500 conservative old people, it’s what you might call a tiny community. In fact, it’s not even a town; it’s considered a village. A 450-student high school and a chic Sonic make Small Town a happenin’ place.

Here in Small Town, redneck is not a character trait; it’s a way of life. Cars start at about 3 feet from the ground, and emit shameful amounts of pollution into the manure-scented air. People live on huge pieces of land out in the middle of nowhere, and shoot deer from their back porches. There’s a really nice golf course, but that’s only for rich old people and tourists. Average Small Town citizens get their kicks from fishing and using tobacco products. On special occasions, they may go “into town”, which consists of a 20 minute drive to the nearest mid-sized city to go to “the Wal-Mart’s”. A typical evening for my family consists of sitting around the television, watching trashy ABC sitcoms or Lifetime movies. They’re a lively bunch, but don’t worry; you’ll learn all about them soon enough.

People in Small Town may do ridiculous things sometimes, but I have to admit, they are really good at heart. Everyone knows everyone, and genuinely cares about them. Small Town is the buckle of the Bible Belt, and that’s no exaggeration. Going to church is as mandatory as going to school. Most everyone is some form of Baptist, but DON’T get them confused! There are three specific types of Baptist. There’s regular Baptists, Southern Baptists, and Independent Baptists. Southern Baptists tend to be the classic conservative, hillbilly Bible thumpers, and Independent Baptists are usually extremist, “God Hates Fags” groups.

Even though everyone is passionate about their beliefs, that does not mean that everyone always, or ever, follows them. Small Town’s teens are particularly promiscuous, but who can blame us? What else is there to do here? An offense that I find especially appalling, however, is bigotry. Our population is fairly diverse, and many people have still not gotten over their prejudices against other races. Also, being without culture, homophobia is wild, and kids use “gay” like it’s a bad word. Small Town has it’s faults, but everyone is really pretty laid back and caring in the long run.

Even though Small Town, well, sucks, I really enjoy living here. The cornfed craziness is always good for a laugh, and I have great friends to rely on as an escape from the Republicana. And that’s the way we get down...

In OUR Hick Town.