Hicktown Survival Guide #1:Politics

Welcome, ladies and gentleman of the blogiverse, to the first installment of Hicktown Survival Guide (DISCLAIMER: This guide will really not prepare you at all for the ridiculousness that is Hicktown. It’s just for fun. So in the event of a wild hillbilly attack, do not defend yourself with this blog post. Don’t sue me.)

Now, if you’re planning to visit a hicktown, or even just making contact with the natives, there are some political ground rules you need to know, because politics are a major source of awkward small talk for most people. And if you aren’t communicating with a hick, they’re just for fun.

Southerners, although they may not seem educated, are usually very passionate about their politics, and there's nothing wrong with that. Their political beliefs are as important to them as their religion, and they will not hesitate to start a battle with someone who doesn’t agree with them. Fortunately, they all seem to agree on one thing:

The Republican Party. These fat white men will stop at nothing to make sure they keep other fat white men in the Oval Office. They’ll fight for their right to keep large amounts of weaponry in the back of their F-150s, and won’t let “big government” take their hard-earned salary to help someone else.

Of course, if everyone here is conservative, what does that make me?

You guessed it, Blogmerica, I’m a liberal. My name’s on the hitlist. I’m a terrorist because I don’t care if gays join the military. I supported... The “O” word 2008.

And I get crap for it. Every day, I hear about how they can’t find Obama’s birth certificate and the horrors of universal health care.

I suppose I get worked up about politics as well. I believe very strongly about social issues. Sue me.

But whatever your political persuasion, be it Republican, Democrat, or Nader (is he still around?), just remember this: if you don’t want to get shot at, play it safe and don’t even mention politics.

And NEVER use the “O” word around a Southerner. And that’s the way we get down...

In A Hick Town.

Keep Austin Weird

Loyal readers, I'm afraid I've misinformed you, and before I proceed with this blog, I must correct myself. I told you that Texas is a barren wasteland of redneck mania, completely devoid of culture. I said that nearly all its citizens are tasteless hillbillies and they behave absurdly. However, in this proverbial desert, there's a glistening oasis of good taste:

Austin.

The mere thought of this delicious metropolis is orgasmic. Whereas Small Town's population is generally made up of conservative racists, Austinites are more open minded and liberal than any other city in the world. Well, except maybe Amsterdam. But because of its free spirit, this portal to the left wing has earned quite a reputation. The other day, I heard a Small Town citizen say that he didn't like Austin, because it is full of "weird people and homosexuals". God forbid. But Austin embraces its weird culture and lives up to its reputation, adopting the unofficial slogan "Keep Austin Weird".


For us Texans, Austin is just what we need to remind us of life in the rest of the continental United States, and catch us up on our shopping and media. Home to insane music festivals like SXSW and Austin City Limits, as well as places like The Domain for shopping and dining, it's a breath of fresh air even for the traditional Texan.

But for people like me, who refuse to conform to the cornfed madness, Austin is so much more. I love the Austin spirit of creativity and vibrance. It's an escape to the world I've been longing for, and a welcome relief from the constant judgement and hatred harbored by Small Town-ers.

So readers, find a place that you love, and take advantage of it, whether it's a million miles away or right at home. And that's the way we get down...

In A Hick Town.

P.S.- I'm going to New York next week. Woot woot.